The Health Express



I was one hour late for band practice on Saturday because I was getting a mani-pedi. I had to make sure my fingers were pretty enough for a Clara Rockmore-worthy performance. Rolando Relic, Devilish Diaconescu and VoxRox Vesilind threatened to kick me out of the band because of my tardiness. But when Rolando realized that I was getting pretty for the group, he let me stay. He also took me and the beloved devil to a street corner in Pasadena that is a fast-food junkie's idea of heaven. Next to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles is a KFC, which is next to a Carl's Jr., which is across the street from a McDonald's, which is adjacent to Orean. Our post-practice lunch was made by Orean, which advertises itself as a vegetarian fast-food drive-thru. We walked up to the front window and ordered our food to eat at one of the five picnic tables. I had the veggie chili cheeseburger with the veggie chili fries and a strawberry slush spiked with ginseng. I don't know why some people think that adding alfalfa sprouts to a dish makes it healthier. Sprouts were piled atop my cheeseburger. I hate sprouts. They taste bad and teem with bacteria that can never be completely washed clean. After I pulled the tangle of sprouts out of my sandwich, I was able to enjoy the mushiness of the beans and veggie patty. I think if the cooks replicated the chili from Tommy's with beans instead of beef, they would have the perfect chili cheeseburger. I couldn't eat all the chili cheese fries because the 90-degree heat made munching on anything that was at body temperature or warmer difficult. I didn't have a wet towel to tidy my nice nails that were smeared with chili. It was karma getting me back for being late to band practice.

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